Bullying continues to make headlines around the country. In particular, cyberbullying has become an increasingly common and serious issue largely due to the easy access, and in some cases the anonymity, of digital devices.
CHOC Children’s offers the following tips to help you start a conversation with your child around bullying, and guidelines to help you and your child combat bullying.
Dr. Heather Huszti, chief psychologist at CHOC, says one of the best ways to protect your children from bullying is to talk openly about it. “Have a discussion about why some kids might be bullies,” she says. “You can explain that most bullies have low self-esteem and that they bully other people to try to feel better about themselves.”
Dr. Huszti suggests asking your child open-ended questions such as, “Is there anything going on?” or “Is there anything I can help you with?” This approach usually works better than firing off a list of specific questions.
If you learn your child is being bullied, here are some additional steps you can take:
Inform your child’s school about the bullying.
Talk with the bully’s parents about the behavior.
Help your child build up his or her self-esteem. The better your child feels about herself, the less effect a bully will have on her overall well-being.
Be mindful of your child’s online activity.
Have a plan. Talk about what your child might do if he or she is bullied, including who to tell.
Pay close attention to signs from your child that may show something is wrong, such as acting withdrawn, sad or irritable, or changes in their sleep or appetite. Keep in mind however, that sometimes kids will not display any signs at all so it’s important to keep an open dialogue with your child.
One in five students age 12-18 in the U.S. have experienced bullying, according to the National Center for Education Statistics and Bureau of Justice. More than 70% of young people say they have seen bullying in their schools. Kids and teens who are bullied can experience physical and mental health issues, and problems at school.
CHOC Children’s teen advisers share their own experiences observing and dealing with bullying, and what they do to cope. CHOC experts also weigh in on what parents can do to support a child who is being bullied.
Talk openly about bullying
One of the best ways to protect your child from bullying is to talk openly about it, says Dr. Heather Huszti, CHOC’s chief psychologist.
“Have a discussion about why some kids might be bullies. You can explain that most bullies have low self-esteem and that they bully other people to try to feel better about themselves,” she says.
CHOC teen adviser Heather Bisset, age 14, has seen this play out firsthand.
“When someone bullies another person, it is often because they are insecure and do not know how to emotionally handle it,” she says. “A bully does and says things to make others feel hurt or down, and if you do not show a response, they will most likely leave you alone.”
Dr. Huszti also recommends parents ask open-ended questions of their children such as, “Is there anything going on at school?” or “Is there anything I can help you with?”
She adds that this approach usually works better than firing off a list of specific questions and can facilitate a bond between parent and child that will encourage them to open up to you when something is affecting them.
Find a trusted adult to talk to
CHOC teen adviser Zoe Borchard, age 15, knows the benefits of having someone to talk to when you have been bullied.
“At a high school football game, a girl that I don’t even know called me stupid along with a bunch of other nasty words behind my back. When I heard what she had said, I thought it wouldn’t affect me at first, but it started to eat away at me. I walked away to a quieter area during halftime and called my mom. I told her what happened, and it made things a million times easier to process and even let go,” she recalls. “To this day, I’ll call my mom every time I need help. If you can find someone you trust to share your problems with, it lightens your emotional load and gives you room to breathe and feel better.”
Teens can look beyond their parents in finding someone to talk to.
“The best advice I could give someone who is being bullied is to talk to an adult you trust and know is willing to help you,” says CHOC teen adviser Carina Alvaro, age 16. “This could be a teacher who has openly expressed willingness to help, or another trusted adult who can help you resolve these problems.”
Teens and cyberbullying
Nearly 15% of high school students have experienced cyberbullying, according to the Centers for Disease Control. Cyberbullying can include text messages, instant messaging and other apps, social media or gaming.
CHOC teen advisers see a clear link between social media and bullying.
“Social media plays a part in bullying because it’s a lot easier to target someone and attack them online,” says Sanam Sediqi, age 16, a CHOC teen adviser. “On social media, everyone is hiding behind a phone or computer screen, so they more freely throw out hurtful comments towards the victim, often without actual consequences.”
CHOC teen adviser Layla Valenzuela, age 14, agrees.
“Having the power of technology comes with responsibility. When you send a message, people can’t see your face or hear your voice, so there is no way of conveying sarcasm or playfulness,” she says. “A simple joke could be interpreted in an unintentional, harmful way. Being responsible for everything you do online is a huge part of being considerate and staying away from bullying.”
Social media and technology use contributes to a rising number of mental health concerns in young people, says Dr. Christopher Min, a CHOC Children’s psychologist.
“Technology is great, but it has consequences, especially on our younger population,” he says. “it’s made teenage culture very unstable.”
Tips for staying safe online
Dr. Min offers the following tips for parents on how to keep kids safe online:
Monitor teens’ social media use
Encourage teens to get together in person
Remember that parents control access to social media
For teens, his advice includes pausing before posting.
“When you’re ready to post something, pause for five to 10 seconds to consider your actions, the post’s meaning and the possible consequences,” he says. “This will help you avoid posting things you don’t want cemented on the internet forever.”
What to do if your child is being bullied
There are several things parents can do if they learn their child is being bullied, Huszti says, including:
Inform your child’s school about bullying
Talk to the bully’s parents about the behavior
Help your child build up their self-esteem. The more solid their self-esteem, the less impact a bully’s behavior will have on their overall well-being.
Monitor your child’s online activity.
Remind your child of the trusted adults in their lives in whom they can confide.
Pay attention to signs in your child that show something is wrong, such as acting withdrawn, irritable or sad; or changes in appetite or sleep. Some children will show none of these signs, so an open dialogue with your child is key.
If your child needs additional support, ask your pediatrician for a referral to a pediatric psychologist.
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All children experience days or periods of sadness or other deep emotion. It’s when those feelings are persistent and last longer than a several weeks that it may be time to seek professional help, according to mental health experts at CHOC Children’s.
Suicide is the second leading cause of death for individuals ages 10-24 in the United States. Suicidal children and adolescents may have depression, or a combination of other mental illnesses such as anxiety disorder, attention deficit disorder, bipolar disorder, or child-onset schizophrenia, says Dr. Heather Huszti, chief psychologist at CHOC Children’s.
Other signs that children may be depressed include:
Changes in behavior, including appetite
No longer enjoying activities they used to like
Changes in sleeping pattern
Always feeling tired,
Isolating themselves socially
These changes may be especially concerning if connected to a significant loss or change
“It’s difficult to imagine that children as young as 10 could attempt to end their lives, but unfortunately it can happen,” says Huszti. “The first thing parents can do to help their children is talking openly about mental health issues and any concerns they might have, including talking about the potential warning signs.”
Download your copy of CHOC’s “Let’s Talk About It” guide and learn how you can help start a conversation about mental health.
Warning signs that a child may be considering suicide include:
When is distress something more serious? When does it become something that warrants specialized help?
Everyone experiences distress from time to time. Children and teenagers can go through spells where they ...
“There are a number of studies that suggest kids actually do need some unstructured time,” says Dr. Huszti. Kids need moments when they can use their imagination, daydream and even goof off a little bit, she says. And no, this doesn’t mean parents should allow kids to play video games all day. Instead, try other unstructured-time activities:
Going outside to play
Playing a board game
“Kids need some family time,” says Dr. Huszti. “If we find ourselves being overscheduled, we really don’t have that time to bond as a family and develop a strong foundation. Look at what’s important to your family, such as dinners or bedtime reading and carve out time for that,” she says. Make room for family activities at least once per week. Here are some family-fun ideas:
Start a family book club
Replace organized team sports with family sports
WRITE IT DOWN
To get a handle on how to balance your child’s social and academic calendars, sit down as a family and create a schedule. “If you look at the schedule and realize we’re really cutting into homework time, or there’s no unstructured or family time, you may be doing too much,” says Dr. Huszti. To keep a good pace, have your child pick two activities per week that they really want to do, and you pick two. If something else comes up, take one away.
What Else Can You Do To Trim Your Child’s Schedule?
Approach the schedule with a “moderation” mentality. If you notice a decline in your child’s grades, or an increase in irritability or sickness, try taking them out of some activities and see what happens, says Dr. Huszti.
The percent of kids who wish they had more free time: 61%
Number of hours of unstructured time recommended per week: 2
The percentage of kids who said they felt too busy all the time: 24%
Dr. Huszti is a licensed psychologist and has been with CHOC since 2002. She is a member of the American Psychological Association and the Society of Pediatric Psychology. Dr. Huszti served her internship and post-doctorate fellowship at the University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center.
Dr. Huszti’s philosophy of care: “I want to help kids and families function as optimally as possible. I believe that involves working with the whole family.”
University of California, Irvine (B.A., Psychology)
Texas Tech University (Ph.D., Clinical Psychology)
University of Oklahoma Health Sciences Center (internship and fellowship)